I know your body has left this Earth but your echo remains here among the collective of Elders who watch over us and speak on our behalf. For a brief moment, I thought I had finally bridged the gap between myself and my mother only for it to go right back to ... having to accept she is NOT going to change and I do NOT value our relationship enough to change for her.
I DO value myself enough to 'keep my faith'.
It's been working so much better since you crossed over. I work so hard every day to control the selfishness in me. The one filled with sadness I was unable to turn things around for you and Gerald. And yes, selfishly me. Love is so confusing to me. When you were here, there were times I saw you ... I would have to describe myself as a lover because the emotions were so deep and we aren't related. But I've read that can happen with a person you find comfort and strength in their teachings. And your smile, you in those bug eyed glasses with the peace earrings, cause you have to coordinate, is one of my most favorite pictures of you and I can't stop the tears when I see it in my mind's eye.
I understand why he just couldn't open himself up.
You are the act no one wants to follow ... I'm nowhere NEAR your abilities ... I come across as arrogant b/c too many people, it's overwhelming without my comfort and you're gone. It's like I'm in Mankato but there's no one here anymore.
I KNOW where you are, you can see him like I have. And yes, I accept I cannot change him. It's best to learn myself well enough to clearly say what I want and the patience to understand it may take time for it to be realized but, I AM heard, understood and have value.
I'm attaching my report for the person who reads this message to know who I AM so they may have comfort in their safety.
I finished the story... I still have a LOT of work to do to package it and I accept it's going to change. Doesn't mean I'm not a great writer. Just means there's space for others to feel a part of the process.
I'm stalling ... It's so hard to say good-bye. Part of me hopes this message bounces back because they closed your account ... just so I don't have to face anyone who could possibly believe I AM soooo evil I would make ALL of this up just to ... I don't know. All I know is I feel your kindness and I don't want it to leave but I have to go now. He hasn't responded. And life just doesn't hold its breath for anyone.
I miss you.